One of my best friends is now two years sober. I remember when we were in college at the University of Chicago. He and I became instant friends as we both, at the age of 18 years old, had the unique attribute of abstaining from alcohol and drugs. We had similarly different reasons for abstaining. I also remember his first drink. One night 4 weeks ago while staring down at his sushi, he tried to elucidate hell, as he has experienced it. It is a hell laden with shame and guilt.
His life defined a generous life. I met his parents the night before graduation. They were everything that he described them as - cold, uncaring, self-consumed. He spent most of the night with me and my parents. I heard from him periodically throughout the following 5 years. I knew he had become a bartender. He is so smart. He would succeed at anything he tried...and he tried being a bartender.
It was about 4pm on a warm November day, 2006 when I got a call from him. We talked for hours. He told me that he had been addicted to cocaine and alcohol; he moved on from that topic quickly. He described his new employment which he was running, and that he was living with a mutual friend from college. He told me that he had desires to be a dad - to get married. I was dumbfounded. I, myself, had just turned 28 years old and was only now coming to a place where I desired to be married...but him...I didn't expect those desires to be expressed. We really are all the same deep down. Companionship is imperative.
I was recently in Chicago with the primary intention of visiting him. I watched him in his new addiction - a form of Ultimate Fighting. He is very good at it, but i can't really be surprised. He goes all the way with everything he commits to...even alcohol and cocaine. He won the match I went to. Afterwords, we had many minutes that weekend to discuss his hell and his burdened triumph. He would say with a smile, "I am a drunk and an addict"! I hugged him in return for each announcement.Perhaps because I didn't know what to say.
During those years he woke up on corners in the city somewhere in his car. No memory of how or when he got there. He shut those who cared about him out. He was drunk or high continually. He revealed people's intervention attempts: "you have a problem buddy, I think you need some help". Valiant and well-intentioned attempts, but useless. It wasn't until a mere acquaintance commented, "something is different about you. You have changed. There is nothing, only emptiness behind your eyes".
He went to a treatment program in Tucson. He described it to me with resentment, with relief, with veneration, with anger, and with a smile. AA uses twelve steps.
The 12 Suggested Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous1)We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable. 2)Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3)Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4)Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5)Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6)Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7)Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8)Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9)Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10)Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11)Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12)Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
He has a friend, a 70 year old alcoholic who calls him more than once a day. They help each other. They tell each other their fears, their desires, their cravings. My friend talks of God's will as something bigger than himself. He told me that substance abuse is selfish, all consuming and his victims throughout the years lie on a battlefield of destruction. He seeks to serve others. He is still not a religious person.
He told me about a guy in treatment who, in the midst of his addictions felt such deep guilt and shame for his actions (sidebar: my friend explained the paradoxical realization of the hurt he was causing others, but the inability to change-a source of great regret and shame even now.). This man was suicidal as a result and felt such despair one day while he was high, he stepped in front of a moving vehicle. He not only survived, but he sustained no injury above a cut. My friend aptly pointed out what the response of the general public would be, and consequently what my very thoughts were on the matter. It is a miracle! God must have wanted him on this Earth for more time, for more purpose, for more progression. My friend explained however, that the addict only lamented, "not even God wants me now." Tears formed in my eyes and a lump the size of Iceland pulsated in my throat. I too stared at my sushi in fear that I would lose it. Screaming in my head were thoughts inadequately describing my friend's inherent value as he told me that during treatment, and even now, residual guilt led him to also assume that his actions were so repugnant, led him to so much evil, were so loathsome, vile and abhorrent, how could anyone, even God forgive him? And even if they could, how could he and why would he accept it. He knew. He knew better. And yet he still walked down to hell. Haven't I done that? Don't I do that?
He told me that the more deeply his dependence grew, the more he had to also consume to quiet the demons. A couple of shots was no longer sufficient to replace his shame with ecstasy, his despair with amnesia.
We went to a bar. He ordered a club soda; me, a cranberry juice. We were both offered vodka shots by our associates to which we both, simultaneously rejected. I looked at him, and he returned my gaze, and for a moment we both went to the days when we were 18. Before hell had been tasted. Before, when he felt no shame, no self-loathing. It was then, just for a brief moment, he experienced the glory of Redemption. He experienced, but for a brief moment, what it means to be made into our better selves.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Saturday, December 1, 2007
My first blog...
My brilliant friend Monique recognized that I have a lot of important things to teach others...so here goes. I have added a talk I gave re: What Equality Between the Sexes Means in the Context of the Gospel...
Today is Mother’s Day, but I want to begin by telling you about my father. He is a kind, gentle man. He works hard to provide for our family. However, In terms of discipline, he was always the pushover; never raising his voice, melting under the tears of his children…but there was one offence to which he had no patience or flexibility. That is if we as children in any way offended our mother by our words or action we felt a deep disapproval and disappointment from him. To offend my mother was an egregious act. His defense of her honor and place was and is apparent. Today, I have the great privilege of speaking generally about women. The things I will speak on are relevant to both the women and the men in the congregation. Upon telling my friends that this was my topic on the third week of being in the ward we agreed that this may be my last! Because one of my favorite quotes is:
People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. – Rebecca West
But truly, I feel honored to speak on this most important topic and so today I will begin to try to define what I mean by “her place” in regards to my mother and what “equality” between men and women in the context of the gospel really means.
I will begin by giving examples of women’s roles during different times throughout the history of humankind. It begins with Eve. Spencer W. Kimball explicated:
“The companionship role is the one most often identified for women in the Church. Adam "began to till the earth," and "Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him" (Moses 5:1). President Spencer W. Kimball pointed out that women are "full partners" with men (Kimball, p. 42).”
Later on in history, we have seen women respond to the great responsibility of fighting against injustice, even when an act is commonly accepted among those in and out of the Church of Christ. Many of you probably have not heard of the Daughters of Zelophehad. They lived in the time of Moses. Their father had died in the Israelites’ journey in the wilderness and the 5 sisters were left. Prior to entering the Promised Land, the law at the time was that land would be inherited by sons only and it was by this precedence that Moses established tribal land designations. If there were no sons, the nearest male relative would take possession of the land and often wed the remaining female relatives. You can see the predicament these 5 daughters had. But they had a sense of equality, and righteousness. Thus they brought their dilemma to Moses the prophet as found in Numbers 27:3-11
Polygamy as practiced in the 19th century placed, perhaps paradoxically, more responsibility upon women. “A woman whose husband divided his time between multiple wives and/or missionary service was often obliged to provide single-handedly both material and emotional support for herself and her children.” “Because of the absence of their husbands, women enlarged their role as "mothers in Zion" with aspects not generally associated with nineteenth-century feminine domesticity. President Brigham Young encouraged the education of BOTH girls and boys in "the manners and customs of distant kingdoms and nations, with their laws, religions, geographical,…and the nature of their political organization" (JD 9:188–89; Widtsoe, p. 211). He also suggested that women should "keep books and sell goods" (JD 12:374–75; Widtsoe, p. 218), and exhorted them to "vote…because women are the characters that rule the ballot box" (JD 1:218; Widtsoe, p. 367). Some LDS women participated in political action concerning their gender, as evidenced by their being the second female population, to vote in a national election.”
In defining “equality” in context of the true gospel, John Widstoe boldly proclaimed:
"In the Church there is full equality between man and woman. The gospel…was devised by the Lord for men and women alike…The privileges and requirements of the gospel are fundamentally alike for men and women. The Lord loves His daughters as well as He loves His sons." He goes on to say:
“There is indeed no privileged class or sex within the true Church of Christ; and in reality there can be no discrimination between the sexes only as human beings make it or permit it. Men have their work to do and their powers to exercise for the benefit of all the members of the Church regardless of sex or age.
So with woman: Her special gifts are to be exercised for the benefit and up lift of the race. This equally shared responsibility makes men and women real 'team –mates' in that which makes for human progress. Each one is a complement to the other and neither sex alone may function completely in the world's work." – John Widstoe
Simply, equality is not “sameness” – doing the exact same things “anything you can do I can do better” type of attitude but rather a progression, and addition to the Kingdom that is equally valid and considered.
We learn more about how this equality occurse between men and women in 2 Nephi 2:26:
And the Messiah cometh in the fullness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon…”
You see the grand, encompassing principle of individual agency is not genderfied. This is not only a right, but a responsibility given to ALL God’s children, both men and women equally. It MUST be this way as each child of God must fulfill the measure of their creation. We are all individually responsible for our choices to God. Thus it follows that a woman’s conversion, intelligence and spiritual life must not be a derivative, but immeadiate and individual.
Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of The Twelve further explains:
"Perhaps the Church does more to enlighten understanding about and to lift the cause of women than any other institution on earth. It provides the path to her eternal destiny. To all faithful Saints He has promised thrones, kingdoms, principalities, glory, immortality, and eternal lives. That is the potential for women in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- day Saints. It is exalting, everlasting, and divine."
Thus, to describe a Mormon woman who is smart, motivated, articulate, and driven as “intimidating” is to undermine her strivings to fulfill the measure of her creation as commanded by Heavenly Father.
On the LDS.org website, a description of LDS women is explained:
“LDS beliefs create a unique feminine identity that encourages women to develop their abilities as potentially Godlike individuals, while at the same time asserting that the most important activities for BOTH men and women center around the creation and maintenance of family relationships.
“The present role of women in LDS society is singular to the degree that it reflects the teachings and doctrines of the Church. Among the most fundamental of these is individual agency, or the right to choose. Consistent with this doctrine, a woman’s role varies with her circumstances and the choices that she makes within the context of LDS belief; she may fill many roles simultaneously.”
An LDS woman sets herself apart from others in the world not because she is something that we think she should be or because she is doing what we think she should do, but an LDS woman sets herself apart because she is driven by individual agency. The agency that Heavenly Father has bestowed upon her. The agency that is defended and justified by the supernal sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Her course is not determined by her sex appeal, the job she is doing, the size of her chest, the chewiness of her cookies, the cleanliness of her house, the number of children she has, her marriage status, the size of her waist… but rather, her course is determined by the righteous use of her agency. An LDS man sets himself apart from the world by promoting this.
People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. – Rebecca West
But truly, I feel honored to speak on this most important topic and so today I will begin to try to define what I mean by “her place” in regards to my mother and what “equality” between men and women in the context of the gospel really means.
I will begin by giving examples of women’s roles during different times throughout the history of humankind. It begins with Eve. Spencer W. Kimball explicated:
“The companionship role is the one most often identified for women in the Church. Adam "began to till the earth," and "Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him" (Moses 5:1). President Spencer W. Kimball pointed out that women are "full partners" with men (Kimball, p. 42).”
Later on in history, we have seen women respond to the great responsibility of fighting against injustice, even when an act is commonly accepted among those in and out of the Church of Christ. Many of you probably have not heard of the Daughters of Zelophehad. They lived in the time of Moses. Their father had died in the Israelites’ journey in the wilderness and the 5 sisters were left. Prior to entering the Promised Land, the law at the time was that land would be inherited by sons only and it was by this precedence that Moses established tribal land designations. If there were no sons, the nearest male relative would take possession of the land and often wed the remaining female relatives. You can see the predicament these 5 daughters had. But they had a sense of equality, and righteousness. Thus they brought their dilemma to Moses the prophet as found in Numbers 27:3-11
Polygamy as practiced in the 19th century placed, perhaps paradoxically, more responsibility upon women. “A woman whose husband divided his time between multiple wives and/or missionary service was often obliged to provide single-handedly both material and emotional support for herself and her children.” “Because of the absence of their husbands, women enlarged their role as "mothers in Zion" with aspects not generally associated with nineteenth-century feminine domesticity. President Brigham Young encouraged the education of BOTH girls and boys in "the manners and customs of distant kingdoms and nations, with their laws, religions, geographical,…and the nature of their political organization" (JD 9:188–89; Widtsoe, p. 211). He also suggested that women should "keep books and sell goods" (JD 12:374–75; Widtsoe, p. 218), and exhorted them to "vote…because women are the characters that rule the ballot box" (JD 1:218; Widtsoe, p. 367). Some LDS women participated in political action concerning their gender, as evidenced by their being the second female population, to vote in a national election.”
In defining “equality” in context of the true gospel, John Widstoe boldly proclaimed:
"In the Church there is full equality between man and woman. The gospel…was devised by the Lord for men and women alike…The privileges and requirements of the gospel are fundamentally alike for men and women. The Lord loves His daughters as well as He loves His sons." He goes on to say:
“There is indeed no privileged class or sex within the true Church of Christ; and in reality there can be no discrimination between the sexes only as human beings make it or permit it. Men have their work to do and their powers to exercise for the benefit of all the members of the Church regardless of sex or age.
So with woman: Her special gifts are to be exercised for the benefit and up lift of the race. This equally shared responsibility makes men and women real 'team –mates' in that which makes for human progress. Each one is a complement to the other and neither sex alone may function completely in the world's work." – John Widstoe
Simply, equality is not “sameness” – doing the exact same things “anything you can do I can do better” type of attitude but rather a progression, and addition to the Kingdom that is equally valid and considered.
We learn more about how this equality occurse between men and women in 2 Nephi 2:26:
And the Messiah cometh in the fullness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon…”
You see the grand, encompassing principle of individual agency is not genderfied. This is not only a right, but a responsibility given to ALL God’s children, both men and women equally. It MUST be this way as each child of God must fulfill the measure of their creation. We are all individually responsible for our choices to God. Thus it follows that a woman’s conversion, intelligence and spiritual life must not be a derivative, but immeadiate and individual.
Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of The Twelve further explains:
"Perhaps the Church does more to enlighten understanding about and to lift the cause of women than any other institution on earth. It provides the path to her eternal destiny. To all faithful Saints He has promised thrones, kingdoms, principalities, glory, immortality, and eternal lives. That is the potential for women in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- day Saints. It is exalting, everlasting, and divine."
Thus, to describe a Mormon woman who is smart, motivated, articulate, and driven as “intimidating” is to undermine her strivings to fulfill the measure of her creation as commanded by Heavenly Father.
On the LDS.org website, a description of LDS women is explained:
“LDS beliefs create a unique feminine identity that encourages women to develop their abilities as potentially Godlike individuals, while at the same time asserting that the most important activities for BOTH men and women center around the creation and maintenance of family relationships.
“The present role of women in LDS society is singular to the degree that it reflects the teachings and doctrines of the Church. Among the most fundamental of these is individual agency, or the right to choose. Consistent with this doctrine, a woman’s role varies with her circumstances and the choices that she makes within the context of LDS belief; she may fill many roles simultaneously.”
An LDS woman sets herself apart from others in the world not because she is something that we think she should be or because she is doing what we think she should do, but an LDS woman sets herself apart because she is driven by individual agency. The agency that Heavenly Father has bestowed upon her. The agency that is defended and justified by the supernal sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Her course is not determined by her sex appeal, the job she is doing, the size of her chest, the chewiness of her cookies, the cleanliness of her house, the number of children she has, her marriage status, the size of her waist… but rather, her course is determined by the righteous use of her agency. An LDS man sets himself apart from the world by promoting this.
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